The 007 Re-Read Project: Win, Lose, or Die by John Gardner

John Gardner's eighth James Bond continuation novel is the second Gardner Bond I read, more than 25 years ago now. After a friend found a hardcover copy of Seafire on the Books-a-Million sale tables, I headed over to BAM to see if could turn up any more, and found a hardcover of this novel. I remembered enjoying it, but not much else, as I mentioned last time. Turns out my memory of it was even hazier than I thought, as it doesn't involve a submarine, but a ship! As always, I won't give a blow-by-blow of the entire story, but there are

SPOILERS AHEAD!

 

At M's behest, James Bond is once again active in the Royal Navy and promoted to the rank of captain. This is to thwart the plans of a new terrorist organization known as BAST from disrupting the upcoming Landsea '89, a massive wargames operation that will see the involvement of an official from the ever more friendly Soviet Union. With Landsea nearly a year away, Bond is sent for extensive training to bring him back up to speed as a naval officer. However, BAST has a long reach and impeccable intel, and they seem to have Bond's number nearly every step of the way. By the time he boards Invincible as its security officer, it's clear that he will have his hands full dealing BAST's agents, as well as protecting the trio of VIPs whose top-secret arrival is well known to his enemies. 

When I first read this, I thought BAST was an attempt to create a successor to SPECTRE to plague Bond for years to come-- even Bond remarks that they sound like a poor man's SPECTRE-- but the further you get into the novel, the more obvious it becomes that the organization won't be sticking around. Gardner fleshes out Bassam Baradj, its founder and leader, fairy well, giving him a motivation that is even more banal than BAST's stated goals, and all the more realistic for that. Most of the organization's members are ciphers with little to no personality, but they serve their purpose as antagonists pretty well. No one will place Baradj anywhere near the upper tiers of 007 nemeses, however. Though he does have a perfect opportunity to kill Bond at one point, completely at his leisure, and doesn't take it, so he definitely fits in on that point!  

Bast is described as an Egyptian demon with three heads, which threw me for a loop since the only Bast I'd ever heard of is the cat goddess, who was generally depicted as rather benevolent. I did a bit of digging (i.e. a quick web search) and it seems that the version of Bast from which the terrorist organization in this book derived its name was a later Christian corruption of the Egyptian goddess, conflated with a three-headed demon as described in the book. I didn't delve too deeply into this, so I may have fudged some of the details, but Gardner didn't pull that description of Bast from nowhere!  

We have a trio of intriguing women playing supporting roles. Clover Pennington is a WREN who is also stationed on the Invincible, Beatrice Maria da Ricci is a fellow British agent assigned to watch his back, and Nikola Ratnikov is a Naval Attache with the Russian VIP on board the Invincible. However, Bond knows that BAST has dispatched one of its heads, a woman known only as the Cat, to eliminate him. No one knows her identity, so she could be any one of the three, or someone else completely. This adds an additional layer of intrigue as Bond endeavors to drink and bang his way through his mission, as per usual. 

Speaking of the women in this book, there's one part where Bond is about to interrogate a woman he believe is responsible for a murder aboard the ship, and she loses her shit and goes crazy on him. He's a highly experienced combatant, of course, but this woman is totally nuts, and she just kicks his ass for a bit before she's taken down. It was unexpected and hilarious!    

Back to the story, the staple Gardner double crosses abound, though nowhere near the ridiculous levels seen in Icebreaker.  One fakeout of a character who was supposedly killed borders on too ridiculous even for a Bond story, but I must admit that Gardner took the trouble to foreshadow the reveal shortly after the "death." It still barely comes off, though. Gardner tries to speedrun the "James Bond falls in love" thing again (a la Persephone Proud in Role of Honor) by having Bond fall for one of the characters far too hard far too fast. He even goes so far as to tell her he loves her, and the whole thing really doesn't feel earned at all. Bond reminisces about Tracy from On Her Majesty's Secret Service, and there's even an oblique reference to Colonel Sun!

There's a nice aerial battle toward the end, and the final fight aboard the Invincible is pretty well done. I always like when Bond goes into a big conflict with a squad. We get to see Bond's brutal side a bit here, as the stakes are high enough that he shows no mercy. It ends quickly and far more easily than you might expect, but given the way the tables have turned by that time, it could hardly go any other way. Baradj is run down shortly afterward, and meets his demise in a manner evocative of Thunderball. The novel wraps with Bond still with this woman he just met yet claims to be in love with, and there's no indication that they'll be splitting up. So does she stick around for the next book? I don't remember! I'll have to keep forging ahead to find out. 

Notable quotes:

Bond leaned back in the armchair in which M had invited him to sit. It was a chair Bond knew well. If you were asked to sit in this, the most comfortable chair in M's office, the news could only be bad.

____________________

 Bond's lips curved into one of the cruellest smiles M had ever seen. Later the Chief was to say that, to use a biblical expression, "Iron had entered into 007's soul."

____________________

Bond was beginning to realise what had attracted him to the Navy in the first place. He was a man of routine, and enjoyed the privileges that came with rank.

____________________

 "Don't want our own people getting shot up," M had said as though he did not give a damn who got shot up.

____________________

 (When Bond meets the Soviet Navy's Commander-in-Chief.) "I think somewhere I have hear the name before. Have you perhaps, served in your embassy in Moscow?" He spoke excellent English.

"Not exactly in the embassy, sir." Bond gave an almost imperceptible smile.

"But you are known there, I think. In Moscow, I mean."

"It wouldn't surprise me, sir."

____________________

He recalled M's words about their intelligence gathering. "They imagine you're unique," the Old Man had said. "They think your presence on Invincible is very bad medicine for them." M had made a sarcastic one-note laugh. "I suppose BAST and its leaders are your fan club, 007. You should send them an autographed picture." 

____________________

With the advent of the microchip the old Registry had been relegated to a smaller area and people were constantly transferring the paperwork onto a series of giant databases. Rumor had it that all the work would not be completed from past files until the year 2009, or thereabouts, as the crow flies. (Hm, I wonder if they got it all done on time?) 

Even with a couple of twists that don't really feel earned and some moments of silliness that stick out even among the sea of 007 adventures, I enjoyed this book. Part of that is simply the novelty of seeing Bond in a different setting; Bond not only spends time aboard the Invincible, there's also an extended section in the middle of the novel that sees him basically hanging out on Xmas vacation. (Sure, he's serving as bait, inappropriately romancing a colleague, there's a joke about how you can shoot your balls off if you don't stow your gun properly, and some people get killed, but what else can you expect from a 007 vacation?) The villains rarely feel like an actual threat, but the change in setting, intriguing setup, and the mystery of exactly which of Bond's new lady friends is the Cat, and a couple of nice action sequences make for an enjoyable read. I wouldn't recommend this as your first Gardner Bond, but if you've read a couple of his and enjoyed them, this one won't do you wrong. Next time we'll dive into the novelization of Licence to Kill! 

 In the meantime, here's another of those cool fan-made covers in the style of the old Great Pan paperbacks. If anyone knows the original source, feel free to share it!

Rant Review: Artsy Pets: Movie Cats 300 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (RoseArt, Art by Angie Rozelaar)

A quick and easy puzzle was just what I needed after my last one wound up being a good bit tougher than expected, and this fun, colorful one from Roseart fit the bill perfectly. The art is cute, the word play is amusing, if rather obvious, and it certainly doesn't hurt that a few of my favorites are represented. I think The Big Meowski is my favorite of the parodies, though I am seriously impressed that the artist managed to convey Humphrey Bogart's default facial expression on a cat! I haven't done a Roseart prior to this, though I do have a couple in my backlog. The pieces are large and very sturdy, and there were no damaged pieces. The fit is nice and snug, but not so tight that they're tough to separate. There was a fair amount of puzzle dust, but not Ravensburger level or anything. For such a cheap puzzle, I'm very pleased with the quality.

 

Rant Review: Masters of the Universe: Skeletor 1,000 (-1) Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (Mondo, Art by Florian Bertmer)

This puzzle was released by Mondo several years ago alongside their 1/6 scale Skeletor figure and features the art used on the figure's packaging. I was interested in it, but like everything Mondo produces, it was overpriced, so I figured I'd wait and see if I saw one at a significant discount. That day turned out to be last week, when I came across a new copy of it for around $17 shipped. The box has a nice matte texture, with bold colors that pop nicely against the black background. The art is quite nice, using the design of Mondo's figure, with a skull design based closely on the iconic rendering of the Lord of Destruction by legendary artist Alfredo Alcala. 

This puzzle was much more difficult than I expected. After the edges were done, I began working on Skeletor's head and the ram skull atop the Havoc Staff, both of which went together quickly. From there, I did the purple sky, then the smoke, then the ground and Skeletor's body, saving the awful expanse of purple for last. Each area was significantly tougher than the preceding ones. Neither the cross-hatching in the art nor the gradient in the purple area helped as much as I expected. It's not a crazy photomosaic level of difficulty, but it took a fair bit longer to complete than I expected when I started it.

As I worked on that final purple section, it had become clear that I was missing a piece. I've only had missing pieces with new puzzles twice before, and both of those were bargain puzzles I got for around $5. For what Mondo charged for this, I was pretty surprised at such lax quality control. The pieces are paper-backed, have a very glossy finish, and multiple pieces had minor damage simply from being jostled around within the sealed box. The fit was so loose that simply moving the board would make some of them begin separating. This is one of the loosest-fitting puzzles I've ever done! Needless to say, I won't be keeping an eye out for a similar deal on the He-Man puzzle they released alongside this one. I feel bad for anyone who paid full price for one of these! All that said, I do like the art, and I'll probably tape the back of this so I can frame & hang it on my Skeletor wall once I move.

The 007 Re-Read Project: Scorpius by John Gardner

John Gardner's 007th James Bond novel is one which I specifically remember where and when I got it. After almost literally having the revelation of the Gardner Bonds dropped into my lap (as recounted here), I set about tracking down all of them. A trip to The Book Rack, a local used book store, turned up a half dozen Gardner Bond paperbacks, mostly the earliest entries. I managed to turn up most of the others in short order, but for whatever reason, Scorpius was one of the three that eluded me. In those (just barely) pre-ebay days, there weren't a whole lot of options for running down old books unless you were fortunate to live in a large city with an abundance of stores that sold such things. Thankfully, we did have a bookstore here that would attempt to locate old out-of-print books for you, and I set them to work on the trio of Gardner Bonds I was missing. (This shop is also where I found my hardcover Casino Royale and the Goldeneye novelization on the same trip!) I remember the day they called to let me know they had located a copy of Scorpius; it was in immaculate condition, and would cost me $30. I wasn't thrilled with the price, but I'd been working my way through the Gardner books I had in publication order, and that one was holding me up. Impatient to read it, I told her to go ahead and get it. I went by there once it arrived and picked it up on my way to work. Decades later I remembered enjoying it, and thinking it had an appropriately harsh villain death, but nothing else about it. Let's see how it holds up! As always, I won't blow the whole thing, but there are

SPOILERS AHEAD! 

 

A woman escapes the clutches of a cult known as the Meek Ones and is found dead soon afterward. When her purse is found to contain little besides a scrap of paper with James Bond's phone number written on it, 007 is brought into the investigation.  Almost immediately, another young woman turns up after leaving the cult, out of her mind with the powerful drugs that have been pumped into her. Her father is an old acquaintance of M's, which pulls the SIS further into things. Despite being exhausted from the intense "refresher course" he's just completed with the SAS, Bond is plunged into the mix. The leader of the Meek Ones, Father Valentine, is suspected to be a new identity adopted by notorious arms dealer Vladimir Scorpius, who has rarely been photographed, and hasn't been sighted for years. A search of the Meek Ones compound in London reveals that it has been abandoned, its members dispersed to blend seamlessly with the general populace. When a horrific act of terrorism is committed on British soil, it becomes clear that Scorpius is responsible. Despite numerous precautions, the attacks continue. Through the Meek Ones cult, Scorpius has an army willing to die to commit murder at his command. With the aid of IRS agent Harriet Horner and SAS Sergeant Pearlman, Bond must run Scorpio to ground and try to devise some way to halt his bloody scheme. However, Scorpius has someone very close to the mission who keeps him informed of their every move...

This is a rather unusual James Bond story, with Bond, M, and the entire SIS on the back foot more often than not. Much of the novel takes place in London, and we're quite a ways in before Bond even leaves the country. It's always refreshing to read a 007 tale that breaks from the formula. The deplorable acts of terrorism committed by religious fanatics, so shocking to M and Bond, are sadly not unheard of today. It's interesting to read their reactions to these appalling acts through modern sensibilities. The weaponized cult concept is disturbingly plausible, and indeed, we have seen such things play out again and again. 

Scorpius himself is built up to the point that he seems a fiend for the ages, though he falls a bit short once we finally meet him. He doesn't command the scene as the best Bond villains do, and seems almost deferential to Bond at several points. He is oddly concerned with performing a wedding ceremony prior to the final phase of his plan for reasons that are never explained. (Horner mentions something about the ritual being important to him, but it's not elaborated on.) He does indeed receive a nasty death that is well-earned, though it occurs weirdly early in the novel. There's still a bit of story left once he's been wiped from the board. The way the story is constructed, this isn't objectively a flaw, but it does feel strange to have the main antagonist disposed of relatively early. 

Several of the supporting characters are interesting, with the aforementioned Sergeant Pearlman a real standout. There are several very effective scenes in the novel, one of which is a desperate escape in which Bond, for once, miscalculates badly.  It's a scene that feels far more Fleming-esque than the somewhat movie-leaning Bond characterization we often get from Gardner. Unfortunately, the consequences of that mistake are not given much page space, and it feels glossed over far too quickly and easily. (Though to be fair, Bond does achieve one hell of a catharsis immediately afterward, so I suppose that helped him cope!) A duo of iconic Bond cars are referenced when Bond is tailed by a Saab and a red Lotus Esprit, a nice detail for attentive readers. We also get an appearance from Sir James Molony, familiar to anyone who has read Fleming's final Bond novel!

 

Notable Quotes:

Bond's lifestyle had changed drastically over the last few months, and any changes in 007 made M a shade nervous - even when the changes appeared to be for the best. 

____________________

 Bill Tanner - M's Chief of Staff - came in through the private door that was the only other entrance to M's office. (What the hell... since when does M's office have two entrances? Seems a rather odd choice.)

____________________

For a moment, Bond felt uncomfortable. Sir James Molony probably knew more than any other man about his secret life - not his life of secrets within the Service, but the hidden areas of fear, the complexities of imagination which dwelt within him, motivated him, kept him happy and on an even keel, or came hurtling from his subconscious to plague him like demons in the night.

___________________

"Get them, James!" M spoke through clenched teeth. "Just get them. Kill them, wipe them off the face of the earth if you have to, though I'll deny ever saying that to you if it happens. Go out and find the devils."

___________________

 Breakfast, as ever, was his favorite meal of the day, an immovable and set feast when he was home. Apart from a brief acknowledgement, Bond took little notice of May, who went back into the kitchen clucking to herself about his bad habits of coming in late at night, then acting like a "Wee bear wi' a sore heed!" the next morning.

___________________

Pearlman settled back to watch the in-flight movie. Though he had already seen it, Bond sat through it again. The Untouchables. A favorite actor of his played a Chicago cop. (Who knew Bond was a Kevin Costner fan? 😉)

___________________

It would have taken a saint to resist her, and Bond would be the first to admit that sanctity was not his strong point. 

___________________

"Good girl for you, James. Good family. Steady." (WTF?!? M's playing matchmaker now?) 

 

Even with a final act that deflates a bit, Scorpius is a good read, and offers a 007 adventure that breaks from the standard formula in a few key areas. Scorpius is an interesting villain, even if he doesn't quite measure up to the build-up Gardner gives him. I'd rank this in the upper middle tier of the Gardners I've revisited so far in this series. Up next is another one that is a blank slate to me; all I remember is that it involves submarines, and that Bond is promoted from commander to captain. Join me next time for Win, Lose, or Die! 

Here's another of those cool fan-made covers in the style of the old Great Pan paperbacks. I have no idea what the original source is, but I love these things!

 

The 007 Re-Read Project: No Deals, Mr. Bond by John Gardner

Gardner's sixth James Bond novel concerns Bond's local grocer, who refuses to sell him anything for less than the full retail price, never running any sales or deals-- okay, I admit it, that's not quite accurate. Gardner's oddly-titled adventure does offer a plot that is at least as interesting, however, and while I never blow the whole story, there are

 SPOILERS AHEAD!

 

A pair of particularly gruesome murders are connected to an old mission Bond played a part in, Operation Cream Cake. CC was concerned with enlisting disturbingly young agents in a ploy to seduce and gather information from, and possibly turn, top Soviet intelligence figures. Now, five years after the mission was suddenly ended, someone is hunting down the agents involved, killing them in a manner guaranteed to send a message. M is unable to send anyone to help these agents in an official capacity, and he knows there is only one person who has a hope of pulling everyone's fat out of the fire. After a quick briefing and some time with the relevant files, Bond is on his way, but at least one of the people he intends to protect is not what they seem, and he soon realizes that M has withheld some vital information. As more players enter the game, the danger continues to escalate as the rules of the game keep changing. Amidst the intrigue, a shadow from his past reaches out to crush him for good!

Happily, this novel continues the upward trend established by the previous one. The plot allows for quite a lot of intrigue, and Gardner milks it for all it's worth. There are double crosses, but they're not overdone as in Icebreaker.  We get to visit a couple of locales rarely seen in Bond adventures, which is always nice. Bond's visit to Hong Kong nicely foreshadows (coincidentally, of course) Raymond Benson's debut as Bond's chronicler a decade later. There seem to be more supporting characters than usual, though some are rotated out as the story progresses. Reflecting on it now, I'm not really certain if there actually is a larger cast, or if it only seemed that way because Gardner made many of them more distinct than usual. 

The main villain is a pretty good one when judged on his own merits, just don't go comparing him with the likes of Drax or Goldfinger. He's definitely of the more realistic variety, and has strong ties to some of Bond's oldest nemeses. The death he devises for Bond makes for an exciting finale. One of the lead women, Heather Dare, has an appropriately Bondian name without slipping into self-parody, a balancing act that many writers have struggled with. The identity of the Cream Cake traitor is pretty easy to figure out, as there are a couple of tells as the story chugs along. The way Bond deals with the turncoat was surprisingly brutal. The moment is somewhat shocking as it shows the character with a much harder edge than Gardner often does, but by the time we reach that point of the story, I doubt anyone will argue that the traitor doesn't deserve it.

 At one point, it's casually mentioned that assassinations have been forbidden by the British Secret Service! Gardner already eliminated the Double-0 section in his 007 debut novel, and here he takes it one step further, rendering "007" merely what M insists on calling Bond. Given how the rest of the novel goes, however, it looks as if this change is basically ignored by Bond, at least on this unsanctioned mission. I don't recall this affecting Gardner's future Bond novels, but I barely remember anything from them, so I reckon we'll see as I proceed!

Notable Quotes:

"Make someone a damn good husband, 007." The clear grey eyes showed no apology for mentioning marriage, a topic people who knew Bond well steered clear of, and had done since the untimely death of his bride at the hands of SPECTRE.

Bond ignored his chief's lack of taste and began to attack his fish with the skill of a surgeon. 

(M really seems to be going out of his way to be a massive prick here, especially considering the whopping big favor he's about to ask Bond for!)

____________________

Violent death is easier to gaze upon in reality than when captured for ever by the camera.

____________________

"I wish to see Ms. Dare," said Bond, giving her his patently insincere smile.

____________________

"Bit of an irony, isn't it? The Soviets having their Embassy in Orwell Road, and building a forest of communications hardware on top of it."

____________________

Bond was deeply suspicious of rugs. (WTF?!? This is never elaborated on. The only thing I can think of that makes any sort of sense is that he thinks they may conceal trapdoors.)

 

Clunky title aside, I enjoyed No Deals, Mr. Bond quite a bit. Gardner keeps things moving at a good pace, and another twist or action setpiece is always just around the corner. It's a rock solid spy thriller. After finishing it, the biggest negative that sticks in my mind is a weird line where Gardner mentions Bond kissing a woman on both ears, the logistics of which seem pretty awkward to me. If something silly like that is the biggest gripe I have with a book, we're in good shape! That's it for today, but I'll be back next week with a look at Scorpius! 

Rant Review: Magical Christmas 500 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (Ravensburger, Art by MGL Licensing)

I've been really feeling the need for some relief from this miserable southern heat, if only in my mind! This is one of the Xmas puzzles I didn't get to this past year, so I pulled it from the stacks and went to work. I haven't had much time for puzzling the past few weeks, so I only really got to work on it (beyond sorting and building the edge) in the last day or so. I like the art very much, and it's such a nice, welcoming image! (I'd love to have a nice snowy view like this more than once per decade.) Care to guess which areas took me the longest? If you guessed "the millions of tree branches," you're absolutely correct! Those areas took me longer than the entire rest of the puzzle. It wasn't anywhere near the level of the arboreal hell of Be Wary the Silent Night, but I definitely put off those bits for last. 

The quality was typical Ravensburger, with one major exception: The reproduction of the art is very low-res and heavily pixelated. This made it basically impossible to examine pieces for details, making those oh-so-delightful masses of bare branches even more fun! I wouldn't be shocked to see such poor reproduction on a dollar store puzzle, but coming from Ravensburger, with their higher prices and pretensions to top-tier quality, this is unacceptable. I looked at some other reviews and saw none that mention this, so I'm not sure if I just got a misprinted puzzle, or if most people just don't notice such things. Whatever the case, the glow in the dark feature works quite well. Here's a bonus pic where the auto adjust messed with the colors a bit, which I thought looked pretty neat.

The 007 Re-Read Project: Nobody Lives Forever by John Gardner

Bond bashes his way through the 1980s in Gardner's fifth continuation novel! Picking up soon after the end of the series' previous entry,  this adventure is propelled by the consequences of one aspect of that novel's climax. I found that novel a rather dull affair, unfortunately, but this one has a setup so interesting that it's bound to be an improvement, right? Read on to find out! As always, I won't blow the entire thing, but there are

 

SPOILERS AHEAD!

 

While Bond is on a hard-earned holiday,  several suspicious deaths have his spy-sense tingling. He continues his road trip nevertheless, the final aim of which is to pick up his treasured maid May, who has been convalescing at an elite clinic in Austria. Miss Moneypenny, on holiday herself, has taken it upon herself to visit her, and the pair are getting along famously. Bond's plans are derailed when MI6 informs him that his enemy Tamil Rahani, last seen at the end of Role of Honor, has put a rather sizeable price on his head. Injured during his escape, the current head of SPECTRE is at death's door, and his dying wish is to have Bond's head literally delivered to him on a silver platter. To make matters even worse, one of the groups vying for the prize has kidnapped May and Moneypenny! Bond has help from a pair of intriguing new allies, the Principessa Sukie Tempesta and Nannie Norrich, but can either of them be trusted?  

While not Gardner's strongest 007 novel, this is a massive improvement over his previous effort. The concept of one of Bond's numerous enemies simply putting a price on his head is so obvious that it seems astonishing in retrospect that it took so long for someone to do it. It's also refreshing to have a Bond adventure with no world-shaking stakes, just a personal vendetta between Bond and one of his enemies. Things unfold at a good pace to keep things interesting, and there are enough double-crosses to add that extra dash of intrigue. The framework allows for some fun action scenes, and an underwater infiltration that is rather evocative of the late-night swim in Live and Let Die. The method devised for Bond's demise is appropriately dramatic, and the climax is crazy and chaotic in all the right ways. Bond ordering scrambled eggs and booze as his last request shortly before his execution is a scream! I enjoyed having Bond's new Bentley return, and the collapsible tactical baton is a nice addition to his arsenal.

In the negative column, May and Moneypenny are only plot devices. With them figuring into the main plot, I was hopeful that we'd get some good character interactions, but they spend most of the novel being spoken about, but not seen, and are completely wasted. There are a pair of scenes of Bond groping his new female acquaintances to search for hidden weapons that just feel rather icky. It makes sense for him to try to assure himself that these supposed new allies he's unsure of trusting aren't packing any nasty surprises to use against him, but the way it's presented is less than stellar. One scene gives us one of the more ludicrous attempts to kill Bond. Bond quotes The Wizard of Oz at one point, which wouldn't faze the audience in a Moore or Brosnan Bond film, but it comes off as quite odd and out of character here. Gardner gamely tries to milk suspense and drama from one of the big double-crosses, but we've spent so little time with the character in question that it falls flat. He also kills off a well-liked character from the Fleming days in an offhand comment, something I'm glad a future Bond writer ignored. 

Rahani remains as dull as ever, and I was glad his end was definitive enough that there is no possibility of him ever returning. SPECTRE must have fallen on hard times indeed to let such a bland, generic character rise to the top position. Gardner really seems to have struggled to create memorable villains beyond his first two Bond novels, though I remember some of the later ones being big improvements. I don't remember anything at all about the next two novels, but hopefully we're over the dull patch now.

And like many who have the good fortune to hail from somewhere other than the bowels of the bible belt, Gardner doesn't know how to properly spell or use "y'all." I don't hold it against him. 

 

Notable Quotes:

Bond always mistrusted people of short stature, knowing their tendency to over-compensate with ruthless pushiness, as though it were necessary to prove themselves. (Sheesh!) 

____________________

 Then he saw his adversary. It was something he'd come across only in zoos, and never one as big. Hunched on top of the shower head crouched a giant vampire bat, its evil eyes bright above the razor-toothed mouth, its wings beginning to spread in another attack. (😂)

____________________

There was a Saab 900 Turbo, a car he knew well, which had just been returned. (Silver Beast reference! I always wondered why Gardner abandoned it so quickly.)

____________________

"The slightest move and I'll blow a hole in you so big that even the maggots will need maps. Understand?"

____________________

SPECTRE had made themselves into a sitting target, which only he could smash.  

 

This is a fun, entertaining novel, and can easily be read without first tackling the previous one. It's not on the level of Gardner's debut Bond novel, but Nobody Lives Forever is a pretty satisfying read. I recommend it if you've enjoyed any of Gardner's other Bonds, and feel in the mood for more. That's it for this time, but I'll be back soon with a look at No Deals, Mr. Bond! 

For now, dig this awesome fan-made cover, done in the style of the old Great Pan paperbacks! I've seen covers in this style for a few non-Fleming stories, but I don't know the original source. 

 

Rant Review: Masters of the Universe: Eternian Battlefield 108 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (Golden, Art by R. A. Allen, 1983)

I haven't had much time to devote to puzzling these past few weeks, but I had to get in one of my vintage MOTU puzzles today for MOTU movie day! I'll be seeing the movie in a couple of hours, and this is just the thing to help me get in the proper mood. (Even more than I already am, that is!) Like Surprise Attack, the art is by R.A. Allen, whose art was prolific in early MOTU merchandise. This battle scene features some of the wave two figures in Ram Man and Tri-Klops, yet is rooted in the early MOTU lore. Signs of this are He-Man swinging his battle axe while Skeletor wields the Power Sword, and Battle Cat depicted without his signature helmet. These were things that quickly faded away once the Filmation cartoon became the dominant version of MOTU in pop culture. At that point, the "Power Sword split into two halves" concept was tossed into the bin, and Battle Cat without his helmet was just Cringer. As a little kid who enjoyed the cartoon but did not see it as the "real" MOTU, I always played with and displayed my Battle Cat without his helmet because I thought the angry tiger face underneath it was too cool to cover up! 

Zoar and the rarely-seen Screeech battle it out in the sky. Like Battle Cat, Zoar was a recolored version of an animal toy from Mattel's Big Jim toyline, and like Panthor, Screeech was a recolor of a recolor. Screeech rarely appeared in any MOTU media, and is overlooked whenever the MOTU characters appear. He's also the only character in this puzzle who doesn't appear in the movie. Poor Screeech still gets no respect! There was a storybook in the '80s that depicted Screeech as an alternate form for Evil-Lyn, as Zoar was for the Sorceress in the Filmation cartoon. Perhaps if that concept had caught on, the evil battle bird might not have been perpetually overlooked. 

The pieces are the same thin cardboard as the other vintage MOTU puzzles I've acquired recently, and have a large size that is presumably easy to handle with small hands. (I have big meaty clumsy man hands, so I'm unable to confirm that.) I always like it when the price sticker is still on the box; this time around, it's from Eckerd. With that, I'm off to get ready for the movie! Pretty much everyone I know has made it clear that they're waiting for my review, so I'll have that done either this evening or sometime tomorrow!

The 007 Re-Read Project: Role of Honour/Honor by John Gardner

It's been quite a while since my last foray into the post-Fleming Bond continuation novels, but 26 short months later, I'm back at it! Role of Honour is John Gardner's fourth James Bond novel, originally published in 1984. I remembered virtually nothing about this novel nearly three decades after I read it, apart from a couple of character names. As ever, I won't blow the entire plot, but there are

SPOILERS AHEAD!

 

After receiving a sizeable inheritance,  James Bond has some unfavorable attention directed toward him, even within the Secret Service. M sees this as an opportunity to crack a rather tough case, orchestrating a phony falling out between Bond and MI6. This receives some publicity, even leading to a newspaper interview with Bond over the matter! Even with Bond's history with many of them, other organizations are unable to resist trying to recruit him. The one he is interested in is led by computer whiz Dr. Jay Autem Holy, who has faked his death, and is now masquerading as Jason St. John Finnes. He and his compatriots are up to something sinister in a small English village, and it is vital that Bond infiltrate his organization and discover exactly what. Holy's own widow, Percy Proud, herself a CIA agent, meets with Bond in Monaco to teach him everything he needs to know about computer programming to carry out his mission. Bond is successful in being recruited, but it turns out that Holy is working for another organization, one with a long, bloody history with Bond. 

 Remember up above where I said I remembered virtually nothing about this novel prior to re-reading it? That's because it's dreadfully dull. It seems to take forever for anything to actually happen, and when it does, none of it is particularly interesting. There are certainly some interesting concepts here, such as Holy creating elaborate computer programs to train operatives to commit crimes with clockwork precision. The idea of Bond splitting from the service and being sought out by other organizations is also a promising setup, but Gardner fails to make any of it particularly engaging. It is quaintly amusing to read about the miracles of the computer age, things that were absolute cutting edge, or simply not yet possible, at the time. 

Bond himself acts out of character at times. A scene where he sings aloud while driving comes off as particularly odd. Gardner takes great pains to construct a decent backstory and skillset for Holy, but the man remains bland and nonthreatening. Percy Proud is fine as the female lead, but is again a pretty unmemorable character. That Gardner goes so far as having Bond consider marrying her is laughable, given their complete lack of chemistry. There's simply nothing compelling about the character as written, certainly nothing of the spark that Tracy Draco possessed. Perhaps the most egregious sin committed is handing over leadership of one of the great Bond villain organizations to Tamil Rahani, a character introduced about halfway through the novel, who is as dull as they come. He is very much a stock terrorist character with nothing notable about him. I remember him returning as the main antagonist in the next novel, so hopefully he fares better there!

 

Notable quotes:

(On the downfall of Monaco) Even those had not created a safe buffer against some of the more garish encroachments of the 1980s. On his last visit, Bond had been horrified to find one-armed bandits installed in the exclusive Salles Privees of the Casino.  Now he would not be surprised if there were space invader games there as well. 

 ________________________________

 Bond reflected on his own past encounters with the kind of madness that turned men into devils. 

 _________________________________

Conspirators can rarely divorce without one partner seriously damaging the other.

 __________________________________

 Always, in Switzerland, Bond thought, you knew you were in a small, rich country, for all the buildings looked as though they had been assembled in some sterile room from a plastic kit, complete with small details of greenery and flowers.

 ___________________________________

 

 Unlike the previous two Gardner Bonds, which I enjoyed despite their flaws, this one simply has too many issues for me to recommend it. For an author as skilled as Gardner, I'm honestly astonished at how deficient this one is. It's not a good Bond novel, and neither is it good as a generic thriller. It's a misfire in nearly every aspect. Hopefully Gardner returns to form with the next entry. Nobody Lives Forever is up next, and I promise it won't take me more than two years to get to it! See you then. 

Rant Review: The Drippy Trip 1,000 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (Magic Puzzle Company, art by Ghostshrimp)

This is my second puzzle from Magic Puzzle Company, following my completion last year of The Mystic Maze. As much as I enjoyed that one, I really don't know why it took me so long to do another. I found TMM to be entirely worthy of its hype, and this puzzle continues that trend. The art is vibrant and charming, with something interesting to look at no matter what section you're working on. Some of my favorite bits are (of course) the sea turtles, the pirate queens of various species, the aliens chilling in the hammocks, the candy and ice cream-loving dinosaurs, the frog with the headphones, and the fast food items that are jammin' to the boom box. My favorite section is the lower left, and it's the one I completed first. I don't like its color scheme the most, but I enjoyed spotting all the sea creatures and vehicles. 

Once the main part of the puzzle was completed, of course, I still wasn't done. I rearranged the free-floating sections, and the secret envelope yielded about another 100 pieces. There is no reference image for this section, so this represents the biggest challenge for chronic box-peekers like me. Still, it's a small enough area that it went together easily enough. The various items scattered around the room include some fun Easter eggs, such as the MOTU-style insect man and the TMNT figure. (These go well with the off-brand Spongebob floating near the bottom of the puzzle.)

The quality remains superb, with thick, sturdy pieces, and a near total absence of puzzle dust. The feel and texture of the pieces make them my favorite to handle, even more so than those of the Trefl Prime I completed last week. My sole gripe is, once again, the loose fit. It just makes no sense to have loose-fitting pieces on a puzzle whose entire gimmick hinges on moving sections around. Two reference posters are included, and all of the envelopes are reusable. I really appreciate MPC's lack of waste! I have eight more of these, so don't be surprised to see another one soon. I don't plan to wait seven months this time!

 

Rant Review: No Pain, No Painting 500 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (Trefl Prime, Art by Anna Rupprecht)

Trefl is a new-to-me brand, so I couldn't resist picking up several of their puzzles during that ridiculously awesome sale a week or so back. I made sure one of my purchases was from Trefl's Prime lineup. Trefl promises "the finest puzzle experience" right on the box, and all the commentary I've heard backs that up, so I was expecting top-tier quality. Did this puzzle live up to my expectations? Read on to find out! (Or just skip to the end now; I'm not your boss!)

I chose this puzzle from the small selection of TP puzzles in the sale because I like the art style and vibrant colors, and it looked like the most enjoyable one to do. It was fun, and quite easy, with clearly defined sections. The few overlapping colors didn't complicate things much. The snake winding around the puzzle links the separate scenes together while providing the puzzle's most challenging bits. (Still quite easy, however; I left most of the snake for last, and by that time, I had so few pieces remaining that it took all of five minutes to finish it.) Quick and easy, and quite fun to do, this puzzle is a total hit from an art standpoint.

The texture of the box impressed me as soon as I unpacked it. It's very sturdy, and has a nice matte texture, appropriate for the higher quality that is part of the TP line's appeal. I was hoping that the actual pieces would feel as nice. Inside the world's noisiest plastic bag (I was a little surprised that a resealable bag wasn't used) were pieces with a texture that completely surpassed my expectations. Thick, matte, and with the soft velvety feel promised on the box, these are quite possibly the best feeling puzzle pieces I've ever held. The only brand I've done with piece feel on par with this is Magic Puzzle Company, though those are slightly marred by a loose fit. These pieces fit together snugly enough that I could lift sections and move them into place with no worries that they would crumble. This was particularly nice after the crumbly Cardinal I did a few days ago! A decent-sized poster is included.

Unfortunately, it wasn't all sunshine and roses. There were several chunks of pieces that had not been fully cut, and I had more than a dozen damaged pieces. Some were pretty damn bad. This is easily the worst, and most prolific, damage I've ever had in a new puzzle. (Worse than nearly all of the second-hand puzzles I've had, too!) It's definitely an odd feeling experiencing both the best and worst quality in the same puzzle! I can only assume that Trefl had some Covid-era production issues, as many manufacturers did. In the end, I paid $8 for this puzzle, and for that price, its good points vastly outweighed the QC issues. This won't stop me from getting more TP puzzles in the future, and I'll definitely get to one of my standard Trefls soon! 

Rant Review: Slice of Life 1,000 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (Cardinal, Art by Royce McClure)

I've been interested in Educa's Life puzzle for years now, but the chances of me doing a 24,000 piece puzzle were approximately-- hang on, let me get my calculator and do the math here... hm, yes, approximately ZERO. When I found out that a 1,000 piece puzzle featuring a small chunk of the art existed, it was inevitable that I would get it. From what I found online, it's been released by both Cardinal and Milton Bradley. I ordered the Cardinal version because I found it first, and the price was cheaper than I expected. Maybe I should have taken that as a warning.

But we'll get to that in a minute. First, the art is vibrant and colorful, every bit as much as the larger version. Compressed to this much smaller size, it is absolutely packed with detail. The underwater section was my favorite, not only because I always enjoy underwater scenes, but because it has the most visual interest. I put this together from the bottom up, beginning with the coral reef and finishing with the space-bound doves and planets. I really enjoyed this puzzle, and it has whetted my appetite for the related one that arrived the day I started on it. But, I'm getting ahead of myself again!

I would have enjoyed it even more if the pieces were of better quality. Cardinal was an unfamiliar brand to me, and I wasn't sure what to expect. I actually quite like the feel of the pieces, but they're very thin, and the fit is quite loose. False fits were possible pretty much everywhere, though the amount of detail in the art made them pretty easy to avoid in most areas. The loose fit makes this one of the most crumbly puzzles I've ever done, and moving even two or three pieces without them separating was simply not possible. More than once, my hand lightly brushed against the puzzle, something which normally has no effect. In this case, it resulted in a bunch of pieces breaking apart and having to be reassembled. The included poster is comically small, and pretty much useless. The puzzle is easy enough that it was unnecessary, fortunately. On the positive side, there was virtually no dust. This level of quality is fine for a cheap puzzle, but I may grab the MB version at some point to see how it compares. I've done a couple of MBs before, and while the quality was not top-tier, it was better than this. Plus, it'll give me an excuse to do the puzzle again!