Rant Review: Masters of the Universe: Mark of the Sword 100 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (Golden, Art by R.L. Allen, 1983)

I've slowed down a bit on my vintage MOTU puzzles, as I'm down to my last few, but I felt the itch to do one after polishing off that Dowdle much more quickly than expected last night. The scene depicted is a bit of a nail-biter, with He-Man struggling to wrench his half of the Sword of Grayskull free as Mer-Man and Trap Jaw close in. Stratos knocks Skeletor's half of the sword from his grasp, as the skull-faced fiend was undoubtedly about to unleash an energy blast on his nemesis. Too bad he didn't bring his Havoc Staff, too! The scene is evocative of the early MOTU lore that pre-dated the Filmation animated show, as those early stories often focused on Skeletor's quest to unite both halves of the Sword of Power, which had been hidden from him, so he could enter Castle Grayskull and gain access to the power of the ancients, which would enable him to enslave the universe. 

This is another piece from the underrated R.L. Allen, who provided quite a bit of MOTU art for licensed products during its early years. Much early MOTU art based the looks of the characters on prototype designs, but Allen's renderings here are entirely faithful to the toys, right down to the "surprise prostate exam" expression on Mer-Man's face. Another nod to the early MOTU lore is Stratos' ability to unleash an energy blast, something various characters did at different times in the first few minicomics. The dramatic scene and use of colors makes for a visually interesting puzzle, and it's fun to imagine the adventure that led to this point. However, with Skeletor disarmed and He-Man wielding half of the sword, it doesn't require much brain power to imagine the ass-beatings that are about to be doled out! The pieces are thin, but fairly sturdy, and nice and large to make them easy for small hands to manage. The fit is loose enough that there's no chance of being able to move sections greater than two or three pieces without them crumbling, but there were no issues with false fits. 

Rant Review: Washington D.C. Mall 500 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (Dowdle, art by Eric Dowdle)

I figured I'd better start tackling some of that massive haul of Dowdles I came across last week, and decided to begin with the one depicting a place I've visited. (Though technically there are two, since one is Best of the World, and I've been there, too.) I visited DC during a school trip to the national forensics (speaking, not CSI) competition in Baltimore in the late '90s. We went to DC for a day, and crammed in as much as we could. This included visits to the Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial, the Vietnam Memorial Wall, and a VIP tour of the Capital Building our teacher had arranged with one of our congressmen. We got to go to many areas that are off-limits to the public outside of a presidentially-instigated insurrection, including a statue dedication in the rotunda and a ride on their subway. We didn't get to visit the White House because there'd been a bomb threat or something, so no tours were being given, and Pennsylvania Avenue was blocked off. We hadn't yet become completely disillusioned with our government, so this didn't phase us much. We took lots of photos, ate at the congressmen's cafeteria, bought tacky souvenirs, and I stood where Jimmy Stewart stood in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington and was able to deliver most of his speech there from memory, and a good time was had by all. 

The art is nice and colorful, packed with details, and does a good job of capturing the spirit of what our nation's capital should be all about. All sorts of people roam the city, taking in the landmarks, and wouldn't you know it, there isn't an armed thug in sight. Perhaps this is a vision of a celebration that lurks a couple of years in our future? Let's hope so! The pieces are good, fairly thick blue board. The fit is slightly loose, but I had no issues with false fits. There was very little dust, and it was very clean, always nice with a second-hand puzzle! I came across a single long hair while sorting, and as it was slightly wavy, I couldn't swear that it didn't fall from my beard. Hopefully the other nine are as clean and complete as this one!

 

Rant Review: Mondo 2002/200x Skeletor Figure Timed Edition

I wasn't expecting this until next month, but you won't hear me complaining! Much of my stuff is packed up and I don't currently have a good photo setup since I'm moving soon, but I took some quick and dirty pics, including some comparisons with what I have handy, of the Mondo 2002 Skeletor timed edition.  There's a special guest star if you make it to the end. 😉

 

Some initial thoughts: The figure and the accessories feel great, very high-quality. Everything has its own wrapping within the packaging, so it's well-protected. The articulation is great, and joints move well and hold poses. The chest is a soft, rubbery material that aids with posing, but I'm a bit worried about how it will hold up over time. If the chest on this thing is cracking and splitting in a year or two, Mondo will have some very displeased customers to deal with. The cloak is very well-made and the wires aid greatly in posing, but I don't know if I'll be using it most of the time. I'll have to work to find display poses that don't have the cloak covering too much of the figure.

 

The skull plates lock firmly into position within the hood, though I wish a pry tool or something was included to aid with removing them, as I always feel as if I might be on the verge of breaking something. And maybe it's just my big meaty hands, but plugging the straps into the back of the chest armor is very finicky, easily the only thing about the figure (other than the price) that has truly annoyed me. The hold seems firm, though, and I don't expect it to be unfastening on its own.

 

This is the only time I've sprung for one of Mondo's very pricey figures, and likely the only time I will, but the level of quality here doesn't have me regretting my purchase. I've waited for a high-quality figure of this design for 24 years, and I finally have it! My sole complaint is that they didn't include a skull plate that actually looks like the 2002 toy! That seems like a huge oversight. This figure is awesome, though, and I'm damn glad I sucked it up and paid for the timed edition. Keep scrolling for plenty more photos!

 

Rant Review: Neuschwanstein Castle, 1,000 (-2) Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (Springbok, photographer uncredited, 1979)

This is the oldest of the trio of vintage Springboks I've found in recent weeks, hailing from my birth year. The blue tint over much of the upper half that made it all look so similar, all that foliage, a large area on the left side that is mostly black, and a fuzzy image made this the most difficult puzzle I've done since tackling a horrendous photomosaic puzzle many years ago. Two chunks of the sky were intact when I opened the box, and I admit that I plopped them directly onto my board with only the faintest trace of shame. This being a Springbok, I put all the suspected edge pieces aside and started working on the castle first. This went pretty quickly, and I moved on to building out from there. When that stalled, I began adding to the pair of sky chunks until they were connected, then built out to the edge and began to work my way around until the edge was complete. I left the lower left chunk, with all that hateful foliage and darkness, for last. Two pieces were missing, but I reckon that's not too bad for a 47 year-old puzzle I got for a dollar. The piece fit wasn't quite as tight as other Springboks I've done, but I'm not sure whether that's simply due to wear, or if they cut them slightly differently at the time. This one didn't have a catalogue insert like my last vintage Springbok, but it did have the inspection tag!

 

Rant Review: Dampy Donuts on a Dreary Day 300 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (Buffalo Games, Art by Charles Wysocki)

This was a yard sale find a few weeks ago. Quick and easy 300 piecer to serve as a bit of a bit of a breather before beginning a puzzle that promises to be a real doozy! Stay tuned to see it... hopefully soon.

 

Rant Review: Presenting Yellow! 500 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (Springbok, artist uncredited, 1993)

The occasional Springbok puzzle discovered at a yard sale was a treat when I was little. I loved the little poems on the backs of the boxes and their funky piece shapes. They were the only puzzles I knew that could actually be picked up once they were complete! Vintage Springboks are something I always keep an eye out for when visiting thrift stores or garage sales, but I never have any luck. However, I've suddenly found a trio of them at three different places in the past couple of weeks! This puzzle is the newest of the three. The poems had apparently been dropped by 1993, as the back of the box is blank. 

This is the old Springbok quality that I fondly remember, with thick, sturdy pieces that fit together snugly. The puzzle had clearly been worked at least once, as several chunks of it were still assembled, but there was no noticeable wear on the pieces. It wasn't as tough as it may appear, as there are a few large items that serve as anchor points. Once a few of those were built and the area around them expanded enough to connect to some of the others, it became ever easier to forge ahead. 

Items of interest include the Old Salt statue, Napoleon sour lemon drops, Mr. Peanut alarm clock, George Harrison pin, yellow-haired troll doll, a packet of Anacin, one of those big yellow chip clips that were ubiquitous well into the '90s, and an issue of National Geographic. The Cliff's Notes appear to be for Les Miserables, but that's just a guess based on the three visible letters. 

A pair of inserts show off other puzzles in the Springbok catalogue, and there's an order form for various puzzle accessories. That 1,000 piece travel caddy would cost more than $50 in 2026 money! I try not to wallow in nostalgia, but looking over these inserts made me wish I could simply walk into a store and buy some of these puzzles. One of the others I found over the past couple of weeks is listed on one of the inserts, still on the catalogue after more than a decade. It must have been popular! A similar color-themed puzzle in blue is another that caught my eye. A quick web search reveals that they also did red and green ones. It would be very cool to stumble across one of the others sometime soon! 

The 007 Re-Read Project: Win, Lose, or Die by John Gardner

John Gardner's eighth James Bond continuation novel is the second Gardner Bond I read, more than 25 years ago now. After a friend found a hardcover copy of Seafire on the Books-a-Million sale tables, I headed over to BAM to see if could turn up any more, and found a hardcover of this novel. I remembered enjoying it, but not much else, as I mentioned last time. Turns out my memory of it was even hazier than I thought, as it doesn't involve a submarine, but a ship! As always, I won't give a blow-by-blow of the entire story, but there are

SPOILERS AHEAD!

 

At M's behest, James Bond is once again active in the Royal Navy and promoted to the rank of captain. This is to thwart the plans of a new terrorist organization known as BAST from disrupting the upcoming Landsea '89, a massive wargames operation that will see the involvement of an official from the ever more friendly Soviet Union. With Landsea nearly a year away, Bond is sent for extensive training to bring him back up to speed as a naval officer. However, BAST has a long reach and impeccable intel, and they seem to have Bond's number nearly every step of the way. By the time he boards Invincible as its security officer, it's clear that he will have his hands full dealing BAST's agents, as well as protecting the trio of VIPs whose top-secret arrival is well known to his enemies. 

When I first read this, I thought BAST was an attempt to create a successor to SPECTRE to plague Bond for years to come-- even Bond remarks that they sound like a poor man's SPECTRE-- but the further you get into the novel, the more obvious it becomes that the organization won't be sticking around. Gardner fleshes out Bassam Baradj, its founder and leader, fairy well, giving him a motivation that is even more banal than BAST's stated goals, and all the more realistic for that. Most of the organization's members are ciphers with little to no personality, but they serve their purpose as antagonists pretty well. No one will place Baradj anywhere near the upper tiers of 007 nemeses, however. Though he does have a perfect opportunity to kill Bond at one point, completely at his leisure, and doesn't take it, so he definitely fits in on that point!  

Bast is described as an Egyptian demon with three heads, which threw me for a loop since the only Bast I'd ever heard of is the cat goddess, who was generally depicted as rather benevolent. I did a bit of digging (i.e. a quick web search) and it seems that the version of Bast from which the terrorist organization in this book derived its name was a later Christian corruption of the Egyptian goddess, conflated with a three-headed demon as described in the book. I didn't delve too deeply into this, so I may have fudged some of the details, but Gardner didn't pull that description of Bast from nowhere!  

We have a trio of intriguing women playing supporting roles. Clover Pennington is a WREN who is also stationed on the Invincible, Beatrice Maria da Ricci is a fellow British agent assigned to watch his back, and Nikola Ratnikov is a Naval Attache with the Russian VIP on board the Invincible. However, Bond knows that BAST has dispatched one of its heads, a woman known only as the Cat, to eliminate him. No one knows her identity, so she could be any one of the three, or someone else completely. This adds an additional layer of intrigue as Bond endeavors to drink and bang his way through his mission, as per usual. 

Speaking of the women in this book, there's one part where Bond is about to interrogate a woman he believe is responsible for a murder aboard the ship, and she loses her shit and goes crazy on him. He's a highly experienced combatant, of course, but this woman is totally nuts, and she just kicks his ass for a bit before she's taken down. It was unexpected and hilarious!    

Back to the story, the staple Gardner double crosses abound, though nowhere near the ridiculous levels seen in Icebreaker.  One fakeout of a character who was supposedly killed borders on too ridiculous even for a Bond story, but I must admit that Gardner took the trouble to foreshadow the reveal shortly after the "death." It still barely comes off, though. Gardner tries to speedrun the "James Bond falls in love" thing again (a la Persephone Proud in Role of Honor) by having Bond fall for one of the characters far too hard far too fast. He even goes so far as to tell her he loves her, and the whole thing really doesn't feel earned at all. Bond reminisces about Tracy from On Her Majesty's Secret Service, and there's even an oblique reference to Colonel Sun!

There's a nice aerial battle toward the end, and the final fight aboard the Invincible is pretty well done. I always like when Bond goes into a big conflict with a squad. We get to see Bond's brutal side a bit here, as the stakes are high enough that he shows no mercy. It ends quickly and far more easily than you might expect, but given the way the tables have turned by that time, it could hardly go any other way. Baradj is run down shortly afterward, and meets his demise in a manner evocative of Thunderball. The novel wraps with Bond still with this woman he just met yet claims to be in love with, and there's no indication that they'll be splitting up. So does she stick around for the next book? I don't remember! I'll have to keep forging ahead to find out. 

Notable quotes:

Bond leaned back in the armchair in which M had invited him to sit. It was a chair Bond knew well. If you were asked to sit in this, the most comfortable chair in M's office, the news could only be bad.

____________________

 Bond's lips curved into one of the cruellest smiles M had ever seen. Later the Chief was to say that, to use a biblical expression, "Iron had entered into 007's soul."

____________________

Bond was beginning to realise what had attracted him to the Navy in the first place. He was a man of routine, and enjoyed the privileges that came with rank.

____________________

 "Don't want our own people getting shot up," M had said as though he did not give a damn who got shot up.

____________________

 (When Bond meets the Soviet Navy's Commander-in-Chief.) "I think somewhere I have hear the name before. Have you perhaps, served in your embassy in Moscow?" He spoke excellent English.

"Not exactly in the embassy, sir." Bond gave an almost imperceptible smile.

"But you are known there, I think. In Moscow, I mean."

"It wouldn't surprise me, sir."

____________________

He recalled M's words about their intelligence gathering. "They imagine you're unique," the Old Man had said. "They think your presence on Invincible is very bad medicine for them." M had made a sarcastic one-note laugh. "I suppose BAST and its leaders are your fan club, 007. You should send them an autographed picture." 

____________________

With the advent of the microchip the old Registry had been relegated to a smaller area and people were constantly transferring the paperwork onto a series of giant databases. Rumor had it that all the work would not be completed from past files until the year 2009, or thereabouts, as the crow flies. (Hm, I wonder if they got it all done on time?) 

Even with a couple of twists that don't really feel earned and some moments of silliness that stick out even among the sea of 007 adventures, I enjoyed this book. Part of that is simply the novelty of seeing Bond in a different setting; Bond not only spends time aboard the Invincible, there's also an extended section in the middle of the novel that sees him basically hanging out on Xmas vacation. (Sure, he's serving as bait, inappropriately romancing a colleague, there's a joke about how you can shoot your balls off if you don't stow your gun properly, and some people get killed, but what else can you expect from a 007 vacation?) The villains rarely feel like an actual threat, but the change in setting, intriguing setup, and the mystery of exactly which of Bond's new lady friends is the Cat, and a couple of nice action sequences make for an enjoyable read. I wouldn't recommend this as your first Gardner Bond, but if you've read a couple of his and enjoyed them, this one won't do you wrong. Next time we'll dive into the novelization of Licence to Kill! 

 In the meantime, here's another of those cool fan-made covers in the style of the old Great Pan paperbacks. If anyone knows the original source, feel free to share it!

Rant Review: Artsy Pets: Movie Cats 300 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (RoseArt, Art by Angie Rozelaar)

A quick and easy puzzle was just what I needed after my last one wound up being a good bit tougher than expected, and this fun, colorful one from Roseart fit the bill perfectly. The art is cute, the word play is amusing, if rather obvious, and it certainly doesn't hurt that a few of my favorites are represented. I think The Big Meowski is my favorite of the parodies, though I am seriously impressed that the artist managed to convey Humphrey Bogart's default facial expression on a cat! I haven't done a Roseart prior to this, though I do have a couple in my backlog. The pieces are large and very sturdy, and there were no damaged pieces. The fit is nice and snug, but not so tight that they're tough to separate. There was a fair amount of puzzle dust, but not Ravensburger level or anything. For such a cheap puzzle, I'm very pleased with the quality.

 

Rant Review: Masters of the Universe: Skeletor 1,000 (-1) Piece Jigsaw Puzzle (Mondo, Art by Florian Bertmer)

This puzzle was released by Mondo several years ago alongside their 1/6 scale Skeletor figure and features the art used on the figure's packaging. I was interested in it, but like everything Mondo produces, it was overpriced, so I figured I'd wait and see if I saw one at a significant discount. That day turned out to be last week, when I came across a new copy of it for around $17 shipped. The box has a nice matte texture, with bold colors that pop nicely against the black background. The art is quite nice, using the design of Mondo's figure, with a skull design based closely on the iconic rendering of the Lord of Destruction by legendary artist Alfredo Alcala. 

This puzzle was much more difficult than I expected. After the edges were done, I began working on Skeletor's head and the ram skull atop the Havoc Staff, both of which went together quickly. From there, I did the purple sky, then the smoke, then the ground and Skeletor's body, saving the awful expanse of purple for last. Each area was significantly tougher than the preceding ones. Neither the cross-hatching in the art nor the gradient in the purple area helped as much as I expected. It's not a crazy photomosaic level of difficulty, but it took a fair bit longer to complete than I expected when I started it.

As I worked on that final purple section, it had become clear that I was missing a piece. I've only had missing pieces with new puzzles twice before, and both of those were bargain puzzles I got for around $5. For what Mondo charged for this, I was pretty surprised at such lax quality control. The pieces are paper-backed, have a very glossy finish, and multiple pieces had minor damage simply from being jostled around within the sealed box. The fit was so loose that simply moving the board would make some of them begin separating. This is one of the loosest-fitting puzzles I've ever done! Needless to say, I won't be keeping an eye out for a similar deal on the He-Man puzzle they released alongside this one. I feel bad for anyone who paid full price for one of these! All that said, I do like the art, and I'll probably tape the back of this so I can frame & hang it on my Skeletor wall once I move.

The 007 Re-Read Project: Scorpius by John Gardner

John Gardner's 007th James Bond novel is one which I specifically remember where and when I got it. After almost literally having the revelation of the Gardner Bonds dropped into my lap (as recounted here), I set about tracking down all of them. A trip to The Book Rack, a local used book store, turned up a half dozen Gardner Bond paperbacks, mostly the earliest entries. I managed to turn up most of the others in short order, but for whatever reason, Scorpius was one of the three that eluded me. In those (just barely) pre-ebay days, there weren't a whole lot of options for running down old books unless you were fortunate to live in a large city with an abundance of stores that sold such things. Thankfully, we did have a bookstore here that would attempt to locate old out-of-print books for you, and I set them to work on the trio of Gardner Bonds I was missing. (This shop is also where I found my hardcover Casino Royale and the Goldeneye novelization on the same trip!) I remember the day they called to let me know they had located a copy of Scorpius; it was in immaculate condition, and would cost me $30. I wasn't thrilled with the price, but I'd been working my way through the Gardner books I had in publication order, and that one was holding me up. Impatient to read it, I told her to go ahead and get it. I went by there once it arrived and picked it up on my way to work. Decades later I remembered enjoying it, and thinking it had an appropriately harsh villain death, but nothing else about it. Let's see how it holds up! As always, I won't blow the whole thing, but there are

SPOILERS AHEAD! 

 

A woman escapes the clutches of a cult known as the Meek Ones and is found dead soon afterward. When her purse is found to contain little besides a scrap of paper with James Bond's phone number written on it, 007 is brought into the investigation.  Almost immediately, another young woman turns up after leaving the cult, out of her mind with the powerful drugs that have been pumped into her. Her father is an old acquaintance of M's, which pulls the SIS further into things. Despite being exhausted from the intense "refresher course" he's just completed with the SAS, Bond is plunged into the mix. The leader of the Meek Ones, Father Valentine, is suspected to be a new identity adopted by notorious arms dealer Vladimir Scorpius, who has rarely been photographed, and hasn't been sighted for years. A search of the Meek Ones compound in London reveals that it has been abandoned, its members dispersed to blend seamlessly with the general populace. When a horrific act of terrorism is committed on British soil, it becomes clear that Scorpius is responsible. Despite numerous precautions, the attacks continue. Through the Meek Ones cult, Scorpius has an army willing to die to commit murder at his command. With the aid of IRS agent Harriet Horner and SAS Sergeant Pearlman, Bond must run Scorpio to ground and try to devise some way to halt his bloody scheme. However, Scorpius has someone very close to the mission who keeps him informed of their every move...

This is a rather unusual James Bond story, with Bond, M, and the entire SIS on the back foot more often than not. Much of the novel takes place in London, and we're quite a ways in before Bond even leaves the country. It's always refreshing to read a 007 tale that breaks from the formula. The deplorable acts of terrorism committed by religious fanatics, so shocking to M and Bond, are sadly not unheard of today. It's interesting to read their reactions to these appalling acts through modern sensibilities. The weaponized cult concept is disturbingly plausible, and indeed, we have seen such things play out again and again. 

Scorpius himself is built up to the point that he seems a fiend for the ages, though he falls a bit short once we finally meet him. He doesn't command the scene as the best Bond villains do, and seems almost deferential to Bond at several points. He is oddly concerned with performing a wedding ceremony prior to the final phase of his plan for reasons that are never explained. (Horner mentions something about the ritual being important to him, but it's not elaborated on.) He does indeed receive a nasty death that is well-earned, though it occurs weirdly early in the novel. There's still a bit of story left once he's been wiped from the board. The way the story is constructed, this isn't objectively a flaw, but it does feel strange to have the main antagonist disposed of relatively early. 

Several of the supporting characters are interesting, with the aforementioned Sergeant Pearlman a real standout. There are several very effective scenes in the novel, one of which is a desperate escape in which Bond, for once, miscalculates badly.  It's a scene that feels far more Fleming-esque than the somewhat movie-leaning Bond characterization we often get from Gardner. Unfortunately, the consequences of that mistake are not given much page space, and it feels glossed over far too quickly and easily. (Though to be fair, Bond does achieve one hell of a catharsis immediately afterward, so I suppose that helped him cope!) A duo of iconic Bond cars are referenced when Bond is tailed by a Saab and a red Lotus Esprit, a nice detail for attentive readers. We also get an appearance from Sir James Molony, familiar to anyone who has read Fleming's final Bond novel!

 

Notable Quotes:

Bond's lifestyle had changed drastically over the last few months, and any changes in 007 made M a shade nervous - even when the changes appeared to be for the best. 

____________________

 Bill Tanner - M's Chief of Staff - came in through the private door that was the only other entrance to M's office. (What the hell... since when does M's office have two entrances? Seems a rather odd choice.)

____________________

For a moment, Bond felt uncomfortable. Sir James Molony probably knew more than any other man about his secret life - not his life of secrets within the Service, but the hidden areas of fear, the complexities of imagination which dwelt within him, motivated him, kept him happy and on an even keel, or came hurtling from his subconscious to plague him like demons in the night.

___________________

"Get them, James!" M spoke through clenched teeth. "Just get them. Kill them, wipe them off the face of the earth if you have to, though I'll deny ever saying that to you if it happens. Go out and find the devils."

___________________

 Breakfast, as ever, was his favorite meal of the day, an immovable and set feast when he was home. Apart from a brief acknowledgement, Bond took little notice of May, who went back into the kitchen clucking to herself about his bad habits of coming in late at night, then acting like a "Wee bear wi' a sore heed!" the next morning.

___________________

Pearlman settled back to watch the in-flight movie. Though he had already seen it, Bond sat through it again. The Untouchables. A favorite actor of his played a Chicago cop. (Who knew Bond was a Kevin Costner fan? 😉)

___________________

It would have taken a saint to resist her, and Bond would be the first to admit that sanctity was not his strong point. 

___________________

"Good girl for you, James. Good family. Steady." (WTF?!? M's playing matchmaker now?) 

 

Even with a final act that deflates a bit, Scorpius is a good read, and offers a 007 adventure that breaks from the standard formula in a few key areas. Scorpius is an interesting villain, even if he doesn't quite measure up to the build-up Gardner gives him. I'd rank this in the upper middle tier of the Gardners I've revisited so far in this series. Up next is another one that is a blank slate to me; all I remember is that it involves submarines, and that Bond is promoted from commander to captain. Join me next time for Win, Lose, or Die! 

Here's another of those cool fan-made covers in the style of the old Great Pan paperbacks. I have no idea what the original source is, but I love these things!

 

The 007 Re-Read Project: No Deals, Mr. Bond by John Gardner

Gardner's sixth James Bond novel concerns Bond's local grocer, who refuses to sell him anything for less than the full retail price, never running any sales or deals-- okay, I admit it, that's not quite accurate. Gardner's oddly-titled adventure does offer a plot that is at least as interesting, however, and while I never blow the whole story, there are

 SPOILERS AHEAD!

 

A pair of particularly gruesome murders are connected to an old mission Bond played a part in, Operation Cream Cake. CC was concerned with enlisting disturbingly young agents in a ploy to seduce and gather information from, and possibly turn, top Soviet intelligence figures. Now, five years after the mission was suddenly ended, someone is hunting down the agents involved, killing them in a manner guaranteed to send a message. M is unable to send anyone to help these agents in an official capacity, and he knows there is only one person who has a hope of pulling everyone's fat out of the fire. After a quick briefing and some time with the relevant files, Bond is on his way, but at least one of the people he intends to protect is not what they seem, and he soon realizes that M has withheld some vital information. As more players enter the game, the danger continues to escalate as the rules of the game keep changing. Amidst the intrigue, a shadow from his past reaches out to crush him for good!

Happily, this novel continues the upward trend established by the previous one. The plot allows for quite a lot of intrigue, and Gardner milks it for all it's worth. There are double crosses, but they're not overdone as in Icebreaker.  We get to visit a couple of locales rarely seen in Bond adventures, which is always nice. Bond's visit to Hong Kong nicely foreshadows (coincidentally, of course) Raymond Benson's debut as Bond's chronicler a decade later. There seem to be more supporting characters than usual, though some are rotated out as the story progresses. Reflecting on it now, I'm not really certain if there actually is a larger cast, or if it only seemed that way because Gardner made many of them more distinct than usual. 

The main villain is a pretty good one when judged on his own merits, just don't go comparing him with the likes of Drax or Goldfinger. He's definitely of the more realistic variety, and has strong ties to some of Bond's oldest nemeses. The death he devises for Bond makes for an exciting finale. One of the lead women, Heather Dare, has an appropriately Bondian name without slipping into self-parody, a balancing act that many writers have struggled with. The identity of the Cream Cake traitor is pretty easy to figure out, as there are a couple of tells as the story chugs along. The way Bond deals with the turncoat was surprisingly brutal. The moment is somewhat shocking as it shows the character with a much harder edge than Gardner often does, but by the time we reach that point of the story, I doubt anyone will argue that the traitor doesn't deserve it.

 At one point, it's casually mentioned that assassinations have been forbidden by the British Secret Service! Gardner already eliminated the Double-0 section in his 007 debut novel, and here he takes it one step further, rendering "007" merely what M insists on calling Bond. Given how the rest of the novel goes, however, it looks as if this change is basically ignored by Bond, at least on this unsanctioned mission. I don't recall this affecting Gardner's future Bond novels, but I barely remember anything from them, so I reckon we'll see as I proceed!

Notable Quotes:

"Make someone a damn good husband, 007." The clear grey eyes showed no apology for mentioning marriage, a topic people who knew Bond well steered clear of, and had done since the untimely death of his bride at the hands of SPECTRE.

Bond ignored his chief's lack of taste and began to attack his fish with the skill of a surgeon. 

(M really seems to be going out of his way to be a massive prick here, especially considering the whopping big favor he's about to ask Bond for!)

____________________

Violent death is easier to gaze upon in reality than when captured for ever by the camera.

____________________

"I wish to see Ms. Dare," said Bond, giving her his patently insincere smile.

____________________

"Bit of an irony, isn't it? The Soviets having their Embassy in Orwell Road, and building a forest of communications hardware on top of it."

____________________

Bond was deeply suspicious of rugs. (WTF?!? This is never elaborated on. The only thing I can think of that makes any sort of sense is that he thinks they may conceal trapdoors.)

 

Clunky title aside, I enjoyed No Deals, Mr. Bond quite a bit. Gardner keeps things moving at a good pace, and another twist or action setpiece is always just around the corner. It's a rock solid spy thriller. After finishing it, the biggest negative that sticks in my mind is a weird line where Gardner mentions Bond kissing a woman on both ears, the logistics of which seem pretty awkward to me. If something silly like that is the biggest gripe I have with a book, we're in good shape! That's it for today, but I'll be back next week with a look at Scorpius!